Clean Laughs

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." —Proverb 17:22


 

Quotes

  • "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." -Will Rogers

  • "We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." -Will Rogers
     

  • "Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side." -Stanley Ralph Ross

  • "Beware of the young doctor and the old barber." -Benjamin Franklin

 

Jokes

  • Q: What do you call a cow without legs?
         A:     ground beef!
     

  • Q: What color was George Washington's white horse?
         A: white
     

  • Q: Who is buried in Grant's tomb?
         A: Grant
     

  • Q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
         A: You get your job back, your wife back, Your home back, your dog back...!


Lawyer Jokes

  • Lawyer's OfficeQ: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
          A: One is a scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish!
     

  • Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a lawyers funeral?
         A: Because there are only two handles on a garbage pail!
     

  • Q: Why are lawyers buried ten feet deep instead of six?
         A:     Because deep down under lawyers aren't that bad!
     

  • Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
             A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
     

  • Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
             A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
     

  • Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
         A: His partners.
     

  • Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
         A: His lips are moving.
     

  • Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
             A: Senator.
     

  • Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
             A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

    Ambulance Chaser
    Ambulance chaser.
    Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
    An ambulance stopped suddenly.
     

  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
     

  • The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


 


 

Marriage Humor

  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener!

  • There are 3-rings in marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the SUFFERING!

  • Remember, the husband always has the last two words in any marriage... "Yes dear."

  • I married a Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Only in America

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
 
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
 
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
 
4. Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
 
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
 
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 

EVER WONDER...

 
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
 
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
 
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
 
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
 
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do they make us fasten our seat belts in our cars, but we are allowed to ride a CTA bus standing up holding on for dear life as you go down Lake Shore Drive at 45MPH... Heaven forbid the bus driver has to hit the brakes!

Why do they give us a ticket for talking on our cell phone... when the cops are always talking on their cell phone???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

END

Just A Little Reminder

Kids Say the Darndest Things...

Here's some funny things that my children said while growing up...

Robert at age 6: Can I watch the "Vampire Strikes Back?" (He meant Empire Strikes Back)

Crystal: "When can I use the Gumputer?" (she meant to say computer)

Darla at age 3: "Give me the fu__ing donuts!" (oh my)

Lynda at the zoo: "I saw a squarrel." (she meant squirrel)

Robert at age 6 (10-13-96): My printer was malfunctioning and I was throwing away a lot of papers. Robert said, "I'll go empty your garbage so you can do some more."

Crystal: "Can I have some skinny milk?" (she meant to say skim milk)

Robert at age 6: As we were going to the Blue Angel Restaurant to eat, Robert asked, "Are we eating at the blueberry restaurant?"

Robert at age 6: "Today at school 800 kids were bothering me!"

Robert at age 6: "This car makes me sea sick."

Robert: As I was driving one day in Chicago I said to my wife, "Those guys standing there are always selling drugs." Robert said, "I don't see no drugs."

Darla: (06-09-96): Darla accidentally empties my garbage towards her face.. oops!

Darla: I accidentally dropped my Nashville 400 amplifier and the spring reverb made a really loud crashing sound, Darla came running in and said, "FIREWORKS."

Crystal at 4 1/2 (04-30-96): Crystal, how did you get hurt? Was somebody chasing you? Crystal answered, "No, I was chasing me by myself."

Robert (06-14-96): Robert, myself and his grandpa were fishing together one day in a boat. I said, "Hey dad, Robert saw a giant Bass over here! Robert says, "And I thought it was a fish."

Robert (06-16-96): "When I get home, I'm going swimming for 83 hours."

Robert at age 9 (10-11-98): I had asked Robert to go get me the red side cutters. He was so proud he got 'em, he said, "I know what side cutters are, and sheepheads too."

Robert (10-11-98): "What is Mrs. DOS?" He had seen MS DOS.

Crystal (01-28-98): "It's dark in there with the kitchen light on."

Crystal (03-18-98): Her mother came back from the grocery store and was knocking at the window. I told crystal to let her in but first ask who it is. Crystal went to the door and yelled, "Who it is?"

Robert (09-13-97): I said, "I wonder if my paper's here?" Robert said, "I know it is." I said, "How do you know." Robert said, "Because it's 5 o'clock something."

Robert (09-12-97): Robert woke up at 4 a.m. and came into the room. I was doing some homework. Robert said, "I better go back to sleep, I only had 7 hours of sleep, I need one more minute."

Darla (01-97): "Stop cheesing me." (she meant stop teasing me)

Crystal: "Mommy, she poked my eye tomorrow."

Robert at age 7 (02-22-97): Mom asked, "Hey Robert, what happened to your bruises? Robert answered, "They escaped."

Lynda at age 6 (02-20-97): "I don't like the bones in the apple."
 

Sara the Sax Playing Walrus
 

This is one of the best singles ads ever printed...

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting . . . .

Please scroll down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dying Pastor
 

An old pastor was dying.  He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.  When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.  As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.  The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.  For a time, no one said anything.  Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"  The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."